Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Don't get used to this

I know, I spoil you.  I am in no way setting the precedent of dropping knowledge on you every two days but I am gathering a following comparable to that Footloose guy's rival in the epic new series on Fox.  Needless to say, women are stabbing themselves in the eye because they need more.

I'll start with why buying jerseys is always a terrible idea. Unless it's a really small one that you claim you had as a kid but you secretly just bought to make your muscles look huge. Greg Jennings just put his Wisconsin house on the market, so obviously he's planning on upgrading to something across the street from Lambeau to shorten his commute.  I think most Packer fans understood that he was expendable when Cobb dominated the slot and James Jones sprouted some hands this year.  Jer will be the other threat (in theory) over the middle, and that's all the Pack need.  Jennings is most effective going over the middle, although my fondest memory of Gregory will always be the overtime game in Denver when Brent threw the bomb down the sidelines to win it.  There's much talk that he will end up in purple, which would make sense because it would be a terrible fit. Percy Harvin is essentially Randall Cobb. Jennings and Harvin are both beasts in the slot who should not be lining up outside. Add Rudolph (monster) to the mix and the middle of the field is clogged. Now factor in the that the Vikings' best quarterback, Adrian Peterson, will be gashing teams up the middle and we have a mosh pit on our hands.  I'm curious to see if Jennings respects the game enough to not sign with a division rival.  I think most people know how I feel about Benedict Brit's decision to go purp.  Viking fans and devoted Farve fans can try and justify it all they want, but I think that his actions are pretty indicative of a selfish, egotistical douche. That's not open for debate.

Since we're talking about the Packers, I'll tell you why I'm not too concerned about losing a stud like Jennings: The offense was never our problem.  I'm not sure how Dom Capers has completely escaped criticism over the past couple years.  Does he get a pass because a sub-par defense did just enough to not blow Aaron's historic and single-handed Super Bowl run? There have been injuries, but the defense has been inexcusably gashed when it counts.  I think most of us thought that when Woodson and Matthews came back, that they would magically go back to allowing 800 yards a game but forcing that crucial turnover down the stretch.  How do people justify the bend-but-don't-break defensive strategy?  "I've got it, it's so simple... We lull teams into a false sense of security by not trying and letting them march up and down the field but when the game is on the line, we let them throw an interception or fumble it into Clay's waiting arms!"

Kobe Bryant has recently revolutionized basketball by discovering the secret to beating double and triple teams-- step back, contested three pointers! Making 25 percent of these makes him unguardable...  Actually after what has seemed like years of hearing about the Lakers' inability to play defense, offense, and tic-tac-toe without a soundbite from Kobe, they seem to have turned a corner.  Kobe has apparently decided to trust this rag-tag group of bums that they have surrounded his greatness with.  I mean, when the best shooter of all time's defender leaves him to double Kobe on the baseline, most players are taught to pivot out of bounds and shoot a fade-away shot over the backboard... so naturally it has taken some adjustment.  And when Kobe turns the corner and the best finisher in the game's defender comes to contest, everyone's AAU coach teaches them to rise up over that chump so you can get the three-point play and a spot in ESPN's top ten.  Don't get me started on Pau, why can't that pussy just put on his big boy pants and play through planter-faciatis and tendonitis in both knees? Is it sad that I am surprised that he realized he could actually try passing out of a triple team? And now he's being branded as a modern Magic Johnson because he tried passing for two games... Get real.

I am grateful for the Kardashians because they have exposed the masses for the idiots that they truly are.  I'm not saying you are stupid for watching the show (it goes without saying) but it has been interesting to see the reaction to Kris Humphries.  I recently went to watch the Timberwolves play the Brooklyn Nets, and I found it amusing that Kris, the Minnesota native, was viciously booed without mercy.  Did it really take a useless show to expose a professional athlete as stupid, self-centered, rude, and basically possessing every undesirable quality a person could have? SHOCKER! These people stopped learning as freshman in high school when they realized that school is for suckers. They don't need social skills, they are worshiped by homies and chickenheads.  It is the sole reason why I will never have a twitter, I don't need to know the level of stupidity of these morons who make more money while raping some girl at a night club than I will make in my lifetime.  I try to live in blissful ignorance keeping in mind that they are gladiators who destroy their bodies for our amusement and are rewarded handsomely for it.  At least we can take comfort in the fact that football players will likely kill themselves from the devastating brain injuries that they suffer on a week to week basis.

Not that I know anything about hockey, but I have a message to Minnesota Wild fans... RELAX! 6 games in and I hear so called experts talking about being at a point of desperation.  There is a universal truth about sports... when you bring in a bunch of elite talent with egos to boot, it takes time to mesh.  We saw what happened with the Eagles, and they simply were not given the time or coaching to gel.  Do people remember the beginning of the big 2's adventure in Miami? It was rocky to say the least.  But I guess that's a bad example because they didn't even win the championship in their first year.  Teams trying to incorporate new all-stars are at the biggest disadvantage from a lockout-shortened season because of the lack of training camp.  Have some patience.

Since I'm slamming Minnesota fans, I have something else for you: The Gophers are bad at basketball.  First off, Tubby is overrated.  He won a championship in his first year in Kentucky, with all of Rick Pitino's recruits, and has done nothing since. Second, the team has elite talent in Rodney Williams and Mbakwe but they can't create their own offense.  The backcourt can score, but are not true point guards who can get players the ball where they need it and if that is the case, then it is up to the coach to design an offense to do it for them.  Not going to happen, the Big 10 is too deep and they are likely to be NIT bound again.

Try not to harm yourself until my next post.  Sorry if this was a little more harsh than the last one, but such is the world in which we live.  PEACE AND LOVE!



Sunday, January 27, 2013

Reading is hard

I know more than you about sports (especially you, Merril Hoge).  I had to get that out of the way or this was never going to work between us.  After a two or three year sabbatical honing my craft, I'm back to enlighten you.  Not just sports this time, which is why I'm making a habit of never using the backspace button to prevent censoring myself from culturally relevant information so you mya hav3 ot deal wiht teh ocaisonal tangent (my computer honestly froze when I tried to type that sentence).  By visiting this blog, you are contractually obligated to pay me ten dollars which I have already taken from your paypal account in order to pay my fantasy football debts.

The NFL Pro Blow is on so I figured there was no better time than now to start blogging again.  Like everyone else, I left bar close last night to watch the Murray/Djokovic Australian Open Final and was pleasantly surprised to see Murray continue his streak of winning majors... But then I came out of my blackout this morning and had to rewrite this whole article so pardon my slopiness. At least Murray finally broke through at the US Open so we can stop focusing on that and can go back to wondering how someone with such an atrocious and stereotypical British mouth can have a girlfriend like that.  Honestly though, the top four players in men's tennis right now are some of the best the game has ever seen and we should not take for granted this golden age of tennis. Every semifinal and final is worth watching.

I've started betting on sports (in small increments at freesportsbet.com, they give you a whole dollar to start with!) and have learned a couple things about Badger basketball in the process.  Number one is ALWAYS TAKE THE UNDER. If the over/under was 30 points, the final score would be 15-14 on a buzzer beater. The second is that Bo Ryan is the second best coach in the conference behind Tom Izzo.  And that is not a knock on Bo, because they are two of the best coaches of all time. When Gasser when down for the season, I thought the season was over. That was because I forgot that regardless of who plays and no matter how white the team may be and no matter how many trevons are on the team, Bo Ryan will coach up his team to win games that they shouldn't by playing fundamentally sound, boring basketball. I'm pretty sure that opposing teams just get so frustrated by how this y league brand of basketball (use all of what feels like 50 seconds of the shot clock, use optical illusions to foul without the refs seeing) to put them to sleep until they are awoken by the final buzzer and Bruesewitz's hair. Only Izzo keeps alarm clocks and cattle prods handy for timeouts. The Badgers are bound for another sweet 16 until they run into a team that is whiter than they are, who they are not designed to play against (see Butler, Cornell, Davidson, etc).

I just accidentally watched the pro blow for 30 seconds and saw Jeff Saturday playing for the AFC, so apparently the NFC cut him which is understandable.  I guess he wanted to hike the ball to his lover and longtime quarterback, Peyton Manning, one last time.  Do you think Peyton gently caressed his groin and took it all in one last time before snapping the ball so that the offensive line couldn't block, the defensive line couldn't rush or tackle, and the rest of the players could tweet about how next year's Super Bowl should be in Hawaii instead of New York?  Sorry Curls, but that is stupid on so many levels that I won't even begin to get into it.

Did anyone else realize that the Patriots were massively overrated this year? Obviously I don't see things objectively because I hate New England but with Welker's decline, the team was essentially Marsha Brady and the Gronk.  There are 0 other viable studs. Talib is overrated and only on the team because he tried to shoot his sister's boyfriend. Their offensive line is well coached but Marsha is simply amazing at moving in the pocket. Ridley is respectable but only because no one ever thinks that they will actually run the ball. The Ravens were more talented, and that's why that was a no-brainer bet for me since the Patriots were favored by 7 1/2. Is anyone else deathly afraid of hearing Ray Lewis' epic whisper/yell voice as an analyst on ESPN for the next 20 years? I respect how competitive he is, but he loves the sound of his own voice more than I do.  Maybe we'll be lucky and he'll become a pastor in the mold of our late, great Reginald White...  Leaders of men, as long as you're not listening too closely to what is being said.  Did Ray Lewis really kill a guy? I'm not going to do any research but I'm assuming that he pep-talked him to death.

Still there? I doubt it. But I'm going to cut myself off because reading is hard and I'm trying to sympathize. Plenty more to come! Thanks for your undying support, I don't proofread.