Can you feel it in the air? Patriotism running rampant amongst the millions of would-be soccer haters who are hopping on the USA bandwagon and seizing the opportunity to express their hatred towards those who speak a different language. It's a beautifully powerful thing really, people's desire to be a part of something bigger than themselves. It's why fans will riot whether their team wins or loses, just so long as a car gets flipped, because you can't do it ALONE (especially if you keep skipping your leg days, bro). It's why fights have been started over equestrian dressage and other equally riveting Olympic events. It's why "my god could beat up your god" and why Obama could dunk on whoever your president may be. It's the reason why even if we're not clinging to much, if we just believe in something bigger, we can still call you a loser.
That's why it pains me to remind my fellow Americans that we're not clinging to much. Even if we get past those Nazi losers (patriotism) on Thursday, there's still the rest of the world waiting to get even for basketball being in the Olympics. Does being a pessimist make me a communist? Absolutely. But I refuse to start anymore of my beloved USA chants until after they get waxed in Brazil. And in a classic bait-and-switch maneuver, I will become the anti-me by saying something I've always found moronic yet patriotic: let's talk about REAL football (those foreigners couldn't even spell it right, do you play with your Fut? Real men play with their hanz...)
That's right, non-Packer fans-- I've suckered you into reading two paragraphs and counting of an article that's actually about the Green and Gold. And that's right casual Packer fans-- get ready to realize how much you don't know about how good this team is/stop reading pretty quick because that's why you're a casual fan. You see, while you've been snap-chatting your nip slips and tindering yourself into countless STD's, I have been scouring the earth for any piece of irrelevant Packer information. Did you know that former Packer receiver Kole Heckendorf was recently forced to jump from his brother's second story window when a plane crashed into their Minnesota home? Although that name may appear to be straight out of Harry Potter, I assure you I didn't make it up. My point is that I know too much of this team's future and if I don't share it with you, then none of it will come to fruition. I will attempt to break it down for you position by position, although some won't need much update from last year.
QB- Aaron Rodgers has been doing yoga and has a hot new famous girlfriend. Are the two related? Insert sexist yoga joke here (I had a few, in poor taste). But that's the main news from him, so my guess is that he's still the best QB in the league. Tolzien is still seen as the more physically talented of the backups, but has not surpassed Flynn on the depth chart due to Matt's familiarity with the offense. Bigger loser backup: Guy who can't get a job, or guy who can't get a high five?
RB- The Packers have not only one of the best young runners in the league in Eddie Lacy, but as much depth as I can ever remember at the position. Jonathan Franklin's story is a very sad one, the 4th rounder taken last year who showed some glimpses of potential but suffered a neck injury that may have ended his career. By all accounts, he is a class act who takes comfort in his spirituality. I was rooting for him, but he wasn't really competing for touches anymore. Starks has been re-signed to be the quality number two that he is. And let's not forget last year's starter before his injury (which was ultimately life-threatening) Dajuan Harris. The scrappy and shifty runner may not get a ton of touches if the others stay healthy, but is a great insurance policy if they don't. Plus they've given him some looks at returning kicks.
FB- KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHN
WR- Would you believe that Rodgers said this is potentially the deepest group of receivers he's had yet? The same guy who had Nelson, Cobb, Jennings, Jones, Driver and Boykin in the same year. Well he did, and it's true. A pretty good receiver is going to end up getting cut by Green Bay because we can't keep 7 receivers on the roster, and signs are pointing to Chris Harper early on. A fourth round pick by Seattle last year, he was cut twice before signing with the Packers. He is a physical receiver who has been making plays in OTA's and shows promise. Unfortunately, there is too much promise in this year's draft picks to cut any of them. Rookie 2nd rounder Devonte Adams is going to fit in seamlessly and could one day be their best WR, but he will still likely be the 4th receiver behind Jordy, Cobb, and the incumbent Boykin who flashed at the end of the year. Fan-favorite Abbrederis will compete for some snaps, and can hopefully stay healthy enough to demonstrate his skills. He could also see some time at KR/PR. 7th rounder Jeff Janis really intrigues me; he is one of the most impressive physical specimen I've seen in a while, very comparable to Jordy although a little bigger, stronger and faster. Can he learn to run routes and have the same soft hands as Nelson? That's why he's a project, but one to be very optimistic about although he probably won't see much time this year.
TE- The boom or bust position. Without Finley, people view it as a position of weakness but I disagree. We have a lot of relative unknowns at the position. Quarless has some experience but doesn't inspire much optimism, I think we know what we're getting from him. The rest is up in the air, with Colt Lyerla showing as much talent as any of the draft. If you know any of his story, he is clearly a total head-case which is why he wasn't drafted. But cocaine can do that to a person. If you watch the highlights, it's hard to not be impressed. Lining up in the backfield, blowing by defenders or running them over; he's got the tools to be great. The comparison I like is Aaron Hernández, currently catching passes from Paul Crewe of the Mean Machine but formerly of the New England Belichecks. In college at Florida, he lined up all over the field and also did cocaine. Hopefully Green Bay can help him get things figured out, because he could be amazing. Richard Rodgers has been the big name heard in OTA's so far, with his soft hands and his ability to find openings in coverage. He may not have great speed, but that's not necessarily what being a tight-end is about. He lined up at receiver last year at Cal, which would immediately raise concerns about his blocking, but all other reports are that he is a natural in space and has caught everything thrown at him. Green Bay actually has 4 other TE's on the roster, the most notable being Brandon Bostick who has shown some flashes but zero consistency. Perhaps one of the others between Taylor, Stoneburner, and Perillo will make it based on blocking or special teams play but there is already plenty of youth to be excited about at this position with the oldest player being Ryan Taylor at age 26.
OL- I have been pleasantly surprised with the reports from this part of the team. I suppose it helps when no one has broken their leg yet this year, but there is actually some depth in case of injury. Bakhtiari turned a lot of heads last year at left tackle and seems to have locked that up with Sherrod there to back him up. Pro-Bowl left guard Josh Sutton isn't going anywhere. At center, last year's fourth round pick JC Tretter seems to be earning the trust of Mr. Rodgers, who is on his fifth different starter in as many years and is looking for consistency at this spot. He and this year's fifth round pick Corey Linsey out of Ohio St. will compete for that job, and should expect to hold it down for years to come. Right guard TJ Lang pairs with Sutton to give the Packers one of the best guard tandems in the league. And Bulaga is hopefully back and ready to hold down the right tackle position, and is considered to be an elite talent when healthy. Green bay also has Don Barclay on the bench who has experience at every position on the offensive line and provides much needed depth for an offensive line that has been destroyed by injuries in recent years.
The offense is of no concern to any Packer fan and should be as good as ever between the stable of runners, receivers, and lineman that Ted has been stockpiling. Really the only thing with any credibility on the line this year is yoga, because if Rodgers doesn't stay healthy, what else is to blame? It all hinges on yoga. I'll be back in a couple days to discuss the real reason I'm excited about this years' Packer team... yoga! I mean, the defense, the defense is way better. Although I bet Rodgers would look great in the mountain pose.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Why the current Timberwolve's roster will never work
I've heard a lot of talk about Kevin Love and the Timberwolves. I take that back, I heard one person say something in passing about the Timberwolves once. Or maybe it was a Game of Thrones reference to direwolves. I guess what I'm getting at is that small market teams will lose their fan base pretty quickly if they're not competitive. I am an avid Bucks fan and have irrational hope for the future with Giannis and Henson as centerpieces, but I'm not going to watch them get embarrassed on a nightly basis. How do you think fans in Philly feel right now? The management should be sued for emotional damages for what they did to that squad. They may have talent next year but players don't just forget about being the worst team in the history of tanking, all for a 25 percent chance at the number one overall pick who is no longer clear cut selection. But I'll save that for another time. This T-Wolves roster is doomed, and it started with signing Pek to that contract.
I happen to love Pekovic. I wrote an article while I was at Augsburg a couple years ago about how he was already one of the best low-post players in the game, and he was averaging something like 8 points a game at that point. But let me clarify what I mean by low-post player: someone who's offense is based on backing down their man, and using strength, ball fakes or a soft touch to put the ball in the hoop at a high percentage. And at the same token, an all around post player can use strength to push his player off the block and force a post player into a lower percentage shot with good straight up defense. There was a time when this was an incredibly valued skill and somewhat common. The golden age of centers in the 90's will never return because players don't know how to bang anymore, they would rather fade away or shoot a 15 footer (high-post). I love watching ESPN classic games that feature Shaquille O'Neil, David Robinson, Patrick Ewing, or my favorite-- Hakeem Olajuwon. Observe the beauty of the dream shake against an all-time great defender, the Admiral. The best low-post player in the game right now is Al Jefferson who is still pretty fun to watch, but is only now in his career starting to pass and play defense (kind of). It's a bi-product of not playing in college or learning the team concept (he averaged 42 points, 18 rebounds and 7 blocks per game in high school, I'm not sure if he registered an assist). Embiid showed some flashes of a post game this year at Kansas, including this beauty. Imagine if Dwight Howard had gone to college and learned some offense, he would have been an absolute monster with the current status of the new hybrid centers like DeAndre Jordan who wouldn't (and doesn't) stand a chance in the post. Pekovic is right at the stop based on his surprising combination of strength and touch. I honestly believe he could be the focal point of an offense that could slow the game down and toss him the ball in the post; he can get any shot that he wants with good positioning, it would only be a matter of finishing (which he does without much of a vertical). He still needs to work on passing out of the double team, but that's part of the progression, hopefully. Defensively, his strength allows him to push his opponent off of the block every time. 20 years ago, it would have been crucial. Now it helps against Al Jefferson, and that's about it since everyone else will just shoot over him.
The problem is that he is a god-awful fit alongside Kevin Love. Neither one plays an ounce of defense. I can't dunk, but watching them attempt to protect the hoop makes me think that I could throw it down in their faces by jumping off of their chest. They are not entirely to blame, they do not have the physical tools or the mental makeup to be willing to get posterized by going after everything near the hoop. The thing I've noticed about big men is that you don't need to be a rim protector, but you need someone to watch your back. Either the power forward or center HAS TO protect the rim, but preferably only one since it leaves you out of position because you are leaving your man. Dirk Nowitzki has never been known as a defender. He is a decent one because he is tall and plays straight up which affects shots but he needed Tyson Chandler to win the championship because he was always there when Dirk or anyone else got taken off the dribble. Then the Knicks proceeded to set themselves back 5 years by signing him to that obnoxious contract, forgetting that it's the balance that made them so great together. Pek and Love make one of the best offensive pairings in the NBA, with Love's shooting creating space for Pek to operate, and vice versa.
The problem that the brilliantly offensive-minded Rick Carlisle has never understood is that defense and rim protection wins championships. I would argue that last years Miami Heat wouldn't have ran down the Spurs if it weren't for... wait for it... The Birdman!!! Almost anyone in the NBA can score (watch the Lakers and see which scrub will blow up on a night-to-night basis). Kurt Thomas averaged 28.9 points and 14.6 rebounds per game in college but played 19 years in the league through his low-post defense and being an intelligent player who averaged 8 points a game. Is there any wonder that the Vlade Divac and Chris Weber Kings couldn't contend with Shaq and Kobe? The Lakers made a living at the rim between those two (Kobe wasn't always a step-back, fade-away, three-point shooter). I'm going on record that Jason Williams was the only reason that the Kings were any good, in addition to being the most overrated player of all time. The combination of Love and Pekovic is worse defensively than the creator of the flop and the fab-five failure. Flip Saunders drafted one of my favorite players last draft in Gorgui Dieng. I have been ranting all year about his talent to anyone who will listen, I saw it the first time I watched him play. He has great footwork because he played soccer, and multi-sport athletes are always more well rounded. He has a nice touch and good looking shot, especially for someone who hasn't been playing basketball that long. But most importantly, he attacks every shot like it's the last he will ever see. He ferociously goes after drives and is not afraid to get dunked on. He is EXACTLY who Kevin Love or Nikola Pekovic needs alongside them. He has the mentality to be an elite defender. Once I saw him play and saw how the season progressed with the minutes he got while the Timberwolves amazing offense went to waste by getting crushed on defense, I lost all respect for Carlisle. I know he's been going through some stuff family wise, but a quote I heard while watching a game summed it up perfectly. I will paraphrase: "The great thing about Rick Carlisle is that he really gives his assistants more responsibilities and the chance to step up and coach". Translation: He doesn't care, and is never there. Pathetic. Dieng only got minutes because Rick had no choice due to injuries, and has promptly ripped it up. The team will not be good while Carlisle is there and next year is the last chance to keep Love around because he will bolt if they don't make the playoffs, I promise you that.
I love the rest of the team, they are a great blend of players. Rubio went from overrated to underrated in a short time. He is near the top of the league in steals and assists and is a true pass-first point guard (rare). I went to a Timberwolves game and watched him shoot before the game and he seemed to make every three pointer that he took. I believe his issues with shooting are a combination of his mechanics taking too long to get his shot off and his doubts mentally. I personally think that the wide open shots, which he gets, are the hardest to make because you get time to think about your shot which is surprisingly the last thing you want. Basketball players are best when they're reacting, not thinking about mechanics or the fact that you better make it because you're open. Kevin Martin is a very efficient scorer. Cory Brewer has become one of my favorite players because of the energy he brings. Shabazz will be a stud small forward for years, his relentless energy changes the complexion of games. But they would have to pick up another shot blocker and bring Pek off the bench while starting Dieng, which coaches can't do when a player makes that much money. It's how the business of sports puts pressure on coaches (not that Rick cares about the fact that they don't fit together). Or they could trade him. But it would be tough to find partner to get equal value due to Pek's old-school and undervalued skill set. The best trade imaginable would be Pek for DeAndre Jordan, but newsflash: The Clippers wouldn't make that trade in a million years. Not now that Jordan is the defensive MVP of the league with the help of a defensive minded Doc Rivers.
So they're stuck in limbo, and I would hate to see perhaps the greatest offensive frontcourt player in the league simply walk away next year. Hopefully Flip figures it out before it's too late, because it would be a shame to waste the potential of this roster. Small-market teams have a hard enough time competing in today's NBA, I would hate to see mismanagement turn them into the western conference version of Milwaukee who might not have a franchise for much longer. Don't forget that the Lakers were once in Minneapolis, futility can mean the end of professional sports for a region.
I happen to love Pekovic. I wrote an article while I was at Augsburg a couple years ago about how he was already one of the best low-post players in the game, and he was averaging something like 8 points a game at that point. But let me clarify what I mean by low-post player: someone who's offense is based on backing down their man, and using strength, ball fakes or a soft touch to put the ball in the hoop at a high percentage. And at the same token, an all around post player can use strength to push his player off the block and force a post player into a lower percentage shot with good straight up defense. There was a time when this was an incredibly valued skill and somewhat common. The golden age of centers in the 90's will never return because players don't know how to bang anymore, they would rather fade away or shoot a 15 footer (high-post). I love watching ESPN classic games that feature Shaquille O'Neil, David Robinson, Patrick Ewing, or my favorite-- Hakeem Olajuwon. Observe the beauty of the dream shake against an all-time great defender, the Admiral. The best low-post player in the game right now is Al Jefferson who is still pretty fun to watch, but is only now in his career starting to pass and play defense (kind of). It's a bi-product of not playing in college or learning the team concept (he averaged 42 points, 18 rebounds and 7 blocks per game in high school, I'm not sure if he registered an assist). Embiid showed some flashes of a post game this year at Kansas, including this beauty. Imagine if Dwight Howard had gone to college and learned some offense, he would have been an absolute monster with the current status of the new hybrid centers like DeAndre Jordan who wouldn't (and doesn't) stand a chance in the post. Pekovic is right at the stop based on his surprising combination of strength and touch. I honestly believe he could be the focal point of an offense that could slow the game down and toss him the ball in the post; he can get any shot that he wants with good positioning, it would only be a matter of finishing (which he does without much of a vertical). He still needs to work on passing out of the double team, but that's part of the progression, hopefully. Defensively, his strength allows him to push his opponent off of the block every time. 20 years ago, it would have been crucial. Now it helps against Al Jefferson, and that's about it since everyone else will just shoot over him.
The problem is that he is a god-awful fit alongside Kevin Love. Neither one plays an ounce of defense. I can't dunk, but watching them attempt to protect the hoop makes me think that I could throw it down in their faces by jumping off of their chest. They are not entirely to blame, they do not have the physical tools or the mental makeup to be willing to get posterized by going after everything near the hoop. The thing I've noticed about big men is that you don't need to be a rim protector, but you need someone to watch your back. Either the power forward or center HAS TO protect the rim, but preferably only one since it leaves you out of position because you are leaving your man. Dirk Nowitzki has never been known as a defender. He is a decent one because he is tall and plays straight up which affects shots but he needed Tyson Chandler to win the championship because he was always there when Dirk or anyone else got taken off the dribble. Then the Knicks proceeded to set themselves back 5 years by signing him to that obnoxious contract, forgetting that it's the balance that made them so great together. Pek and Love make one of the best offensive pairings in the NBA, with Love's shooting creating space for Pek to operate, and vice versa.
The problem that the brilliantly offensive-minded Rick Carlisle has never understood is that defense and rim protection wins championships. I would argue that last years Miami Heat wouldn't have ran down the Spurs if it weren't for... wait for it... The Birdman!!! Almost anyone in the NBA can score (watch the Lakers and see which scrub will blow up on a night-to-night basis). Kurt Thomas averaged 28.9 points and 14.6 rebounds per game in college but played 19 years in the league through his low-post defense and being an intelligent player who averaged 8 points a game. Is there any wonder that the Vlade Divac and Chris Weber Kings couldn't contend with Shaq and Kobe? The Lakers made a living at the rim between those two (Kobe wasn't always a step-back, fade-away, three-point shooter). I'm going on record that Jason Williams was the only reason that the Kings were any good, in addition to being the most overrated player of all time. The combination of Love and Pekovic is worse defensively than the creator of the flop and the fab-five failure. Flip Saunders drafted one of my favorite players last draft in Gorgui Dieng. I have been ranting all year about his talent to anyone who will listen, I saw it the first time I watched him play. He has great footwork because he played soccer, and multi-sport athletes are always more well rounded. He has a nice touch and good looking shot, especially for someone who hasn't been playing basketball that long. But most importantly, he attacks every shot like it's the last he will ever see. He ferociously goes after drives and is not afraid to get dunked on. He is EXACTLY who Kevin Love or Nikola Pekovic needs alongside them. He has the mentality to be an elite defender. Once I saw him play and saw how the season progressed with the minutes he got while the Timberwolves amazing offense went to waste by getting crushed on defense, I lost all respect for Carlisle. I know he's been going through some stuff family wise, but a quote I heard while watching a game summed it up perfectly. I will paraphrase: "The great thing about Rick Carlisle is that he really gives his assistants more responsibilities and the chance to step up and coach". Translation: He doesn't care, and is never there. Pathetic. Dieng only got minutes because Rick had no choice due to injuries, and has promptly ripped it up. The team will not be good while Carlisle is there and next year is the last chance to keep Love around because he will bolt if they don't make the playoffs, I promise you that.
I love the rest of the team, they are a great blend of players. Rubio went from overrated to underrated in a short time. He is near the top of the league in steals and assists and is a true pass-first point guard (rare). I went to a Timberwolves game and watched him shoot before the game and he seemed to make every three pointer that he took. I believe his issues with shooting are a combination of his mechanics taking too long to get his shot off and his doubts mentally. I personally think that the wide open shots, which he gets, are the hardest to make because you get time to think about your shot which is surprisingly the last thing you want. Basketball players are best when they're reacting, not thinking about mechanics or the fact that you better make it because you're open. Kevin Martin is a very efficient scorer. Cory Brewer has become one of my favorite players because of the energy he brings. Shabazz will be a stud small forward for years, his relentless energy changes the complexion of games. But they would have to pick up another shot blocker and bring Pek off the bench while starting Dieng, which coaches can't do when a player makes that much money. It's how the business of sports puts pressure on coaches (not that Rick cares about the fact that they don't fit together). Or they could trade him. But it would be tough to find partner to get equal value due to Pek's old-school and undervalued skill set. The best trade imaginable would be Pek for DeAndre Jordan, but newsflash: The Clippers wouldn't make that trade in a million years. Not now that Jordan is the defensive MVP of the league with the help of a defensive minded Doc Rivers.
So they're stuck in limbo, and I would hate to see perhaps the greatest offensive frontcourt player in the league simply walk away next year. Hopefully Flip figures it out before it's too late, because it would be a shame to waste the potential of this roster. Small-market teams have a hard enough time competing in today's NBA, I would hate to see mismanagement turn them into the western conference version of Milwaukee who might not have a franchise for much longer. Don't forget that the Lakers were once in Minneapolis, futility can mean the end of professional sports for a region.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
I wrote this in an hour
Greetings ya'll! I have spent the last year or so honing my craft on my sabbatical, I feel terrible for leaving you wanting for all of this time. I want to start by apologizing for my condescending tone in previous blogs, I was an angry youth who used this medium to verbally abuse people I deemed less informed than myself. Now to be clear, my feelings haven't changed one bit, but I will do my best to keep it all pent up until I explode with some fuming and irrational hate post about Kobe. But I digress...
I have one solitary piece of artwork on my walls, and it is this: A poster of the 2005 Minnesota Timberwolves team signed by each respective player. It was a gift. In case you didn't know, this was the greatest professional basketball team in Minnesota since George Mikan was roaming the lane in your librarian's glasses for the Minneapolis Lakers. They made the Western Conference Finals behind the league MVP in Kevin Garnett and the LVP in Mark Madsen (who was actually the one player who didn't sign it. It would have great depreciated it's value). They were an incredible blend of thugs, really really white guys, and aliens. Every morning, I have the privilege of rolling over in bed only to be greeted by the lovely Wally Szczerbiak and the most beautiful extra-terrestrial to ever grace the hardwood, Sam Cassell. If that doesn't inspire greatness, then you might not have it in you. Every night, I gaze at their faces and say a little prayer of thanks that I don't look like Sam Cassell. I would imagine that there must have been some intense deliberating on whether or not to include the mongloid in the poster, someone probably lost their job. But have you seen his wife? It's nice to see that she's carrying his child and everything but you know she's only with him for the money and alien genetic code. You may have noticed that I have fallen in love with links, but words will always fall short in attempting to describe the monstrosity that is Sam Cassell. Great guy, one of my favorite players... But hideous. The point is that I looked at the poster recently and decided that the Timberwolves have always sucked. This poster has captured the worst best team that a franchise has ever had and put it in a time capsule. It's more of a testament to the greatness of KG than anything else, but if you don't laugh out loud at the mere mention of some of these names... Then you, like most people, don't give a shit about the Timberwolves.
Now don't get me wrong, the poster is my most valuable possession even though I've always been a Bucks fan and thought about selling it numerous times. But it was a gift, and what would I do with all of that money anyways? You see, it wasn't just that I had no concept of money or the value of a bunch of a illegible sharpie. It was that I seemed to overrate every single player on the team. By my estimation, there were 6 hall-of-famers on the squad. At least. There are the obvious ones... Kevin Garnett gets in based on trash talk alone and being the first player to intentionally goaltend every single shot after the whistle. Did you know that KG told Carmelo Anthony that his wife lalala smelled like Honey Nut Cheerios? Incredibly original! It's easy to forget the kind of offensive juggernaut that the Big Ticket was with the Timberwolves since he was able to tone it back and become more focused on defense with the Celtics. 24 points on 50% shooting, 14 rebounds and 5 assists with a steal and two blocks per game in his best statistical season. But he was also a born leader and had the ability to get into people's head, he's just a scary dude. Not the kind of guy you would want/be able to see in a dark alley at night. Wally Szczerbiak gets into the hall for the most on court proposals by swooning women and for being one of the worst players to ever make the all-star team (I had to triple check that one). Cassell should be obvious by now, the lovable goon absolutely killed it in ET. Latrell Sprewell is also a given; he invented spinners (I think he did but I'm not going to look into it), and then promptly inserted them into his shoes.... all so he could feed his family! Class act that one, finally someone who had the balls to choke his coach when PJ threatened to keep food off of his family's table. Everyone knows that being the number one overall pick gets you the automatic bid into the hall of fame, especially if you are distinguished enough to be remembered as the worst number one pick of all time (Anthony Bennett is giving him a run for his money). So Michael Olowakandi gets the nod. Plus, shitty players don't get nicknames as amazing as the Kandi-man. Troy Hudson gets the lifetime achievement award for his accomplishments both on and off of the court. He had some dope braids on the court, and some even more dope beats as T-Hud the rapper. Unfortunately for the beats, he was the worst rapper in NBA history (yes, worse than Shaq and Allen Iverson). Have a listen. But wait, there's another obvious one. Mark Madsen was the whitest player to ever play in the NBA, and got paid millions of dollars for being one of the worst players as well. Did the Timberwolves really think that he was the crucial missing piece that would put them over the top? Or maybe they thought that it was addition by subtraction, with the Lakers being devastated by the loss of his lovable antics, fresh bread, and dance moves. Please watch to the end.
And those are just the obvious ones. There are equally memorable players that helped create the balance of thug/white. "Dead-eye Fred" Hoiberg didn't miss a three pointer all season and was known for the cruel nickname coined for his lazy eye (fact checkers are overrated). Ervin "not magic" Johnson never got into Hogwarts and still would have traded places with Magic even after the HIV fiasco. Trenton Hassel made high socks uncool foreverr. Ndubi Edi was Kevin Garnett's heir apparent, drafted out of high school probably because his name is kind of fun to say. I'm not sure if he ever played a minute. Anthony Carter seemed pretty cool. There's some guy that I don't even know, and I'm too lazy to research someone who got less playing time than Mark Madsen. Now death is never ever funny without exception, but sometimes it is hilarious. Does anyone remember Eddie Griffin, the basketball player (RIP)? During his one year stint with the Timberwolves, his most noted achievement was getting in a DUI fender bender when he rear ended someone while masturbating to pornography on his in-dash television (I always wondered what those were for, now I know). Apparently he never quite got that in hand (PI), because he died shortly after when his SUV struck the side of a moving train. I can testify that sometimes it's hard (PI) to look away. Oh, and the .26 blood-alcohol level may have contributed. Good stuff.
Somehow that rag-tag bunch of misfits made it to the western conference finals before being ousted by a team with actual hall-of-famers, the Lakers (the Karl Malone, Gary Payton Lakers). Somehow, this team had the original "big three" of KG, Yoda, and the family man, Sprewell (I'm not sure Garnett believed that anything was possible until he left Minnesota). Somehow, this is the best Minnesota professional basketball has to offer. And somehow, this poster if comforting for me. It is my crucifix, my dream catcher, and my Bob Marley poster all rolled (PI) into one. Behold it, in all of it's glory!
... the bidding starts at 25,000 dollars.
I have one solitary piece of artwork on my walls, and it is this: A poster of the 2005 Minnesota Timberwolves team signed by each respective player. It was a gift. In case you didn't know, this was the greatest professional basketball team in Minnesota since George Mikan was roaming the lane in your librarian's glasses for the Minneapolis Lakers. They made the Western Conference Finals behind the league MVP in Kevin Garnett and the LVP in Mark Madsen (who was actually the one player who didn't sign it. It would have great depreciated it's value). They were an incredible blend of thugs, really really white guys, and aliens. Every morning, I have the privilege of rolling over in bed only to be greeted by the lovely Wally Szczerbiak and the most beautiful extra-terrestrial to ever grace the hardwood, Sam Cassell. If that doesn't inspire greatness, then you might not have it in you. Every night, I gaze at their faces and say a little prayer of thanks that I don't look like Sam Cassell. I would imagine that there must have been some intense deliberating on whether or not to include the mongloid in the poster, someone probably lost their job. But have you seen his wife? It's nice to see that she's carrying his child and everything but you know she's only with him for the money and alien genetic code. You may have noticed that I have fallen in love with links, but words will always fall short in attempting to describe the monstrosity that is Sam Cassell. Great guy, one of my favorite players... But hideous. The point is that I looked at the poster recently and decided that the Timberwolves have always sucked. This poster has captured the worst best team that a franchise has ever had and put it in a time capsule. It's more of a testament to the greatness of KG than anything else, but if you don't laugh out loud at the mere mention of some of these names... Then you, like most people, don't give a shit about the Timberwolves.
Now don't get me wrong, the poster is my most valuable possession even though I've always been a Bucks fan and thought about selling it numerous times. But it was a gift, and what would I do with all of that money anyways? You see, it wasn't just that I had no concept of money or the value of a bunch of a illegible sharpie. It was that I seemed to overrate every single player on the team. By my estimation, there were 6 hall-of-famers on the squad. At least. There are the obvious ones... Kevin Garnett gets in based on trash talk alone and being the first player to intentionally goaltend every single shot after the whistle. Did you know that KG told Carmelo Anthony that his wife lalala smelled like Honey Nut Cheerios? Incredibly original! It's easy to forget the kind of offensive juggernaut that the Big Ticket was with the Timberwolves since he was able to tone it back and become more focused on defense with the Celtics. 24 points on 50% shooting, 14 rebounds and 5 assists with a steal and two blocks per game in his best statistical season. But he was also a born leader and had the ability to get into people's head, he's just a scary dude. Not the kind of guy you would want/be able to see in a dark alley at night. Wally Szczerbiak gets into the hall for the most on court proposals by swooning women and for being one of the worst players to ever make the all-star team (I had to triple check that one). Cassell should be obvious by now, the lovable goon absolutely killed it in ET. Latrell Sprewell is also a given; he invented spinners (I think he did but I'm not going to look into it), and then promptly inserted them into his shoes.... all so he could feed his family! Class act that one, finally someone who had the balls to choke his coach when PJ threatened to keep food off of his family's table. Everyone knows that being the number one overall pick gets you the automatic bid into the hall of fame, especially if you are distinguished enough to be remembered as the worst number one pick of all time (Anthony Bennett is giving him a run for his money). So Michael Olowakandi gets the nod. Plus, shitty players don't get nicknames as amazing as the Kandi-man. Troy Hudson gets the lifetime achievement award for his accomplishments both on and off of the court. He had some dope braids on the court, and some even more dope beats as T-Hud the rapper. Unfortunately for the beats, he was the worst rapper in NBA history (yes, worse than Shaq and Allen Iverson). Have a listen. But wait, there's another obvious one. Mark Madsen was the whitest player to ever play in the NBA, and got paid millions of dollars for being one of the worst players as well. Did the Timberwolves really think that he was the crucial missing piece that would put them over the top? Or maybe they thought that it was addition by subtraction, with the Lakers being devastated by the loss of his lovable antics, fresh bread, and dance moves. Please watch to the end.
And those are just the obvious ones. There are equally memorable players that helped create the balance of thug/white. "Dead-eye Fred" Hoiberg didn't miss a three pointer all season and was known for the cruel nickname coined for his lazy eye (fact checkers are overrated). Ervin "not magic" Johnson never got into Hogwarts and still would have traded places with Magic even after the HIV fiasco. Trenton Hassel made high socks uncool foreverr. Ndubi Edi was Kevin Garnett's heir apparent, drafted out of high school probably because his name is kind of fun to say. I'm not sure if he ever played a minute. Anthony Carter seemed pretty cool. There's some guy that I don't even know, and I'm too lazy to research someone who got less playing time than Mark Madsen. Now death is never ever funny without exception, but sometimes it is hilarious. Does anyone remember Eddie Griffin, the basketball player (RIP)? During his one year stint with the Timberwolves, his most noted achievement was getting in a DUI fender bender when he rear ended someone while masturbating to pornography on his in-dash television (I always wondered what those were for, now I know). Apparently he never quite got that in hand (PI), because he died shortly after when his SUV struck the side of a moving train. I can testify that sometimes it's hard (PI) to look away. Oh, and the .26 blood-alcohol level may have contributed. Good stuff.
Somehow that rag-tag bunch of misfits made it to the western conference finals before being ousted by a team with actual hall-of-famers, the Lakers (the Karl Malone, Gary Payton Lakers). Somehow, this team had the original "big three" of KG, Yoda, and the family man, Sprewell (I'm not sure Garnett believed that anything was possible until he left Minnesota). Somehow, this is the best Minnesota professional basketball has to offer. And somehow, this poster if comforting for me. It is my crucifix, my dream catcher, and my Bob Marley poster all rolled (PI) into one. Behold it, in all of it's glory!
... the bidding starts at 25,000 dollars.
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