Reading is hard

I know more than you about sports (especially you, Merril Hoge).  I had to get that out of the way or this was never going to work between us.  After a two or three year sabbatical honing my craft, I'm back to enlighten you.  Not just sports this time, which is why I'm making a habit of never using the backspace button to prevent censoring myself from culturally relevant information so you mya hav3 ot deal wiht teh ocaisonal tangent (my computer honestly froze when I tried to type that sentence).  By visiting this blog, you are contractually obligated to pay me ten dollars which I have already taken from your paypal account in order to pay my fantasy football debts.

The NFL Pro Blow is on so I figured there was no better time than now to start blogging again.  Like everyone else, I left bar close last night to watch the Murray/Djokovic Australian Open Final and was pleasantly surprised to see Murray continue his streak of winning majors... But then I came out of my blackout this morning and had to rewrite this whole article so pardon my slopiness. At least Murray finally broke through at the US Open so we can stop focusing on that and can go back to wondering how someone with such an atrocious and stereotypical British mouth can have a girlfriend like that.  Honestly though, the top four players in men's tennis right now are some of the best the game has ever seen and we should not take for granted this golden age of tennis. Every semifinal and final is worth watching.

I've started betting on sports (in small increments at freesportsbet.com, they give you a whole dollar to start with!) and have learned a couple things about Badger basketball in the process.  Number one is ALWAYS TAKE THE UNDER. If the over/under was 30 points, the final score would be 15-14 on a buzzer beater. The second is that Bo Ryan is the second best coach in the conference behind Tom Izzo.  And that is not a knock on Bo, because they are two of the best coaches of all time. When Gasser when down for the season, I thought the season was over. That was because I forgot that regardless of who plays and no matter how white the team may be and no matter how many trevons are on the team, Bo Ryan will coach up his team to win games that they shouldn't by playing fundamentally sound, boring basketball. I'm pretty sure that opposing teams just get so frustrated by how this y league brand of basketball (use all of what feels like 50 seconds of the shot clock, use optical illusions to foul without the refs seeing) to put them to sleep until they are awoken by the final buzzer and Bruesewitz's hair. Only Izzo keeps alarm clocks and cattle prods handy for timeouts. The Badgers are bound for another sweet 16 until they run into a team that is whiter than they are, who they are not designed to play against (see Butler, Cornell, Davidson, etc).

I just accidentally watched the pro blow for 30 seconds and saw Jeff Saturday playing for the AFC, so apparently the NFC cut him which is understandable.  I guess he wanted to hike the ball to his lover and longtime quarterback, Peyton Manning, one last time.  Do you think Peyton gently caressed his groin and took it all in one last time before snapping the ball so that the offensive line couldn't block, the defensive line couldn't rush or tackle, and the rest of the players could tweet about how next year's Super Bowl should be in Hawaii instead of New York?  Sorry Curls, but that is stupid on so many levels that I won't even begin to get into it.

Did anyone else realize that the Patriots were massively overrated this year? Obviously I don't see things objectively because I hate New England but with Welker's decline, the team was essentially Marsha Brady and the Gronk.  There are 0 other viable studs. Talib is overrated and only on the team because he tried to shoot his sister's boyfriend. Their offensive line is well coached but Marsha is simply amazing at moving in the pocket. Ridley is respectable but only because no one ever thinks that they will actually run the ball. The Ravens were more talented, and that's why that was a no-brainer bet for me since the Patriots were favored by 7 1/2. Is anyone else deathly afraid of hearing Ray Lewis' epic whisper/yell voice as an analyst on ESPN for the next 20 years? I respect how competitive he is, but he loves the sound of his own voice more than I do.  Maybe we'll be lucky and he'll become a pastor in the mold of our late, great Reginald White...  Leaders of men, as long as you're not listening too closely to what is being said.  Did Ray Lewis really kill a guy? I'm not going to do any research but I'm assuming that he pep-talked him to death.

Still there? I doubt it. But I'm going to cut myself off because reading is hard and I'm trying to sympathize. Plenty more to come! Thanks for your undying support, I don't proofread.